It brings us no joy to inform you that Cameron and Tyler Winklevoss, best-known as the big rowing boys who sued Mark Zuckerberg and were henceforth depicted by Armie Hammer in 2010’s The Social Network, have pivoted to music. Their “hard-hitting rock band” Mars Junction—of which they seem very proud, given the prominence of that exact description in both of their Twitter bios—not only exists, but also sounds exactly like what you’d expect from two billionaires with inverse amounts of a) unchecked hubris and b) anything better to do.
“Mayhaps the Winklevi have an artistic side of which I was previously unaware!” you might be thinking. “You never know, those fellows could contain untold creative multitudes!” The bio the band has provided to venues—where they are playing shows, inflicting themselves on presumably innocent people—will cure you of that optimism in mere moments:
Mars Junction, featuring Tyler (vocals) and Cameron (guitar) Winklevoss, is a newly formed hard-hitting rock band that will have you singing and dancing all night long to your favorite songs from artists like “The Killers”, “Blink 182”, “Rage Against The Machine”, and many more. Come on out and party with us!
What’s your favorite detail? The mention of no one but the Winklevoss Twins? The notion that you, an audience member, will be “singing […] all night long,” as if to subtly suggest Tyler can’t handle that tall task on his own? The inexplicable quotation marks around the band names? The commas outside those quotation marks? (OK, that one’s probably just me.) The fact that two pieces of The Machine are covering Rage Against themselves? No wrong answers here!
My general awareness of the Winklevi, until today, had been that they had simply transitioned from one strain of rich white guy shit (suing their former Harvard classmate, probably from a boat somewhere) to another (whatever crypto nonsense they’re up to now). I assumed they were just peacefully accumulating more Bitcoins than most folks have actual currency. And I was relatively happy! Not anymore. Now I have to know about Mars Junction, and even worse, I have to see and hear this clip of them covering Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believing” at what could most generously be described as a middle school Battle of the Bands level, every time I close my eyes. I will never again know a moment’s peace.
uh so i saw the winklevoss twins’ band? tonight? like, it’s really them pic.twitter.com/xVqYwQrztL
— Arch Nem (@arch_nem) June 10, 2022
I instantly regret exploring the band’s social media presence and gaining more horrible forbidden knowledge. They give people NFTs to come to their shows. They cover Kings of Leon’s “Sex on Fire.” Walk the Moon and The Strokes aren’t safe, either—their repertoire is basically Now That’s What I Call Butchery! Tyler sometimes wears a chain onstage. The twins’ bandmates’ enthusiasm levels suggest this is an elaborate hostage situation. When Mars Junction’s Instagram story says “West Coast, you’re next!” it’s a threat. If they block me on socials for writing this piece, it’s mercy.
Here are the rest of Mars Junction’s upcoming tour dates so you know what locations to avoid and when. Stay safe out there!