On January 15, 2019, my world turned upside down. Over the course of a single day, I was suddenly forced to confront the fact that my life as I knew it—and, worse, the life I had always expected to one day know—had come to a shocking, brutal end. Whatever future awaited me, I could no longer even vaguely imagine. Everything I had ever fought for or worked towards had ceased to exist. There were no more tomorrows.
I, freshly 17 at the time, did not take any of this particularly well. I just clenched the fabric of my sweatshirt, gulping back sobs, as I rewound the same song for the 18th time in a row to hear Kevin Whelan’s scream rip through my skin again—his voice the only partial fill to the newfound void sunken deep in my gut. That song, and nothing else, seemed to render the terror and despair tangible enough to allow into my system: “But babe,” Whelan howls, holding out the syllable like it hurts him to do so, “you got to have something—something right.” His voice tears on the wail, raw and desperate and pained like no singer I had ever heard before—because this wasn’t even singing, really. It was a breakdown, complete and total, set to halting, messy piano. A heavy pause follows the cry, then Whelan’s voice returns, newly soft and hollow, repeating as if by rote: “This is not what you had planned.” And because every other song I knew felt too small, too processed, too distant from me at that moment, I pressed replay for the 19th time, then the 20th. I don’t remember falling asleep that night, but I know the only way I could have was with Whelan’s voice still ringing in my ears. The only coherent sentence I could form: This was not what I had planned.
In 2003, a group of mid-thirties men from New Jersey released an album seven years in the waiting: The Meadowlands, an exhaustion-ridden, last-ditch attempt at holding onto a rock career they were all but certain had ended before it began. The one-two punch of their acrimonious split from Grass Records (renamed Wind-Up under business mogul Alan Meltzer’s new leadership) and their brief, humiliating flirtation with Interscope—months of label showcases followed by total dismissal—felt like as clear a sign as anyone could get: the dream, to paraphrase pianist, bassist, and vocalist Kevin Whelan, was officially dead. As a result, all four members of The Wrens—guitarist and vocalist Charles Bissell, brothers Greg and Kevin Whelan, and drummer Jerry MacDonald—took on full-time jobs, unable to support themselves on the band alone. With two well-received but largely unknown records out so far (1994’s Silver and 1996’s Secaucus), the quartet knew they needed their third album to break that mold, but had little faith it would. Perfectionism, writer’s block, and the unrelenting pressure of adult life plagued the process, their love for music and for each other buckling under the totalizing weight of living.
You can hear the weary hopelessness in every beat of the album, the muted horror of growing up and realizing your life is not, and will never become, what it was supposed to be. From MacDonald’s hushed lament—“I’m nowhere near / Where I dreamed I’d be / I can’t believe / What life’s done to me”—on the opener, to Bissell’s deadpan attempts to remind himself why he bothers making music at all on “This Boy Is Exhausted,” all the way to the most devastating closer ever put to tape, the improvised “This Is Not What You Had Planned,” The Meadowlands reeks of burnout, resignation, and regret. It is also—not unrelatedly—one of the greatest albums of the 21st century. And its staying power has only grown more evident with time. Case in point: How else would a very Gen Z teenager have found it singularly relevant to her own life 16 years after its release, despite being, objectively, very far from the mid-life crisis the record charts?
There’s no shortage of music created to express hopelessness. But that’s what makes The Meadowlands so idiosyncratic and inimitable: it wasn’t trying to achieve catharsis or showcase vulnerability or even to particularly resonate with anyone. It was just four men trying to stay afloat—to find a raft to cling to amidst the choppy waves of industry, the burden of life a crude anchor threatening to sink them all the while. The record isn’t even about hope or the lack thereof, not really. That’s certainly a theme—there is a song called “Hopeless,” after all—but the most prominent and recurrent subject isn’t the self, but a woman, and the album’s most frequent laments revolve around relationships. (See: a 2003 review that opens with “This album, like all albums worth listening to, is about a girl. Or, more accurately, several.”)
According to Bissell, the vast majority of the songs aren’t even autobiographical. But regardless of the content, there’s an underlying desperation that still bleeds through every breath, snakes its way into every verse, making itself known even when The Wrens weren’t trying to highlight it. That’s why, I think, the visceral truthfulness of The Meadowlands still stands in a class of its own—why, in my lowest moment, these 13 songs were the only ones I could bear to listen to. What the record captures is not just the depiction of exhaustion, but the experience of it. The way it hooks its teeth into your cartilage and only bites deeper with every pained attempt to shake it.
This particular kind of portrayal is rare in music, and that’s primarily because it’s inherently paradoxical. Heartbreak writes songs, anger spills onto the page; suffering inspires, or so the old trope goes. Exhaustion does the opposite. It’s not fuel for creation, but a blockade inhibiting it. Even art made about this kind of bone-deep tiredness is usually written in the aftermath, because the alternative makes little sense. After all, how am I as a listener supposed to believe an artist is as exhausted and hopeless as they claim when the only reason I’m hearing their woes in the first place is because they had the energy to write, record, and release a public-facing album, presumably with the unspoken hope that it might succeed?
The Wrens are one of the only bands I’d accept that logic from without question, for a variety of reasons. First are the accounts from the band themselves: as Bissell said in a 2004 interview about the album’s construction, “We were at a plateau with our music. We weren’t moving forward anymore. We were sort of exhausted… We needed to crank out another album, but weren’t sure why.” He recalls that, despite being six months into making The Meadowlands, the band routinely spurned opportunities to perform, so defeated they preferred to lie that they “weren’t playing anymore” rather than muster the effort to put on a show.
Then there’s the mountain of historical evidence that no one believed in the record’s potential. It was released with the now-defunct and even then barely-functional label Absolutely Kosher—the logic being that no one would hear the album anyway—and only 1,000 mail-order copies were initially printed. When demand unexpectedly skyrocketed, the label struggled to keep pace. There’s something tragically pyrrhic about it: The Wrens’ big break came, but only once they were so certain it wouldn’t that they had no infrastructure in place to handle it. As Kevin Whelan admitted in 2013, “It became increasingly frustrating, especially after all of what we’ve gone through. People loved the record and we weren’t capitalizing.”
And of course, there are the infamous delays. The Meadowlands arrived seven years after Secaucus, and the follow-up still has yet to materialize. There’s a reason the band, tongue set firmly in cheek, has made their motto “Keeping folks waiting since 1989.” The band’s George R. R. Martin-esque promise of a fourth record, teased every few years and never delivered, became a running joke among fans and the band alike. (“Look[ing] forward to the album. 2025 cannot come soon enough,” one fan tweeted in response to a 2019 new song tease. Bissell replied, “ha… fair enough. Paraphrasing others’ joke, I personally can’t wait for the 10th anniversary re-release in 2035.”) But after nearly two decades of will-they-won’t-they, fans got a crushing “oh, okay, I guess they won’t” in 2021, when Kevin Whelan’s frustration with Bissell’s painstaking process became public and the band parted ways on bitter terms.
But most of all there’s that Bissellian process itself: the years spent miserably writing and re-writing, dubbing and re-dubbing, ordering and re-ordering. It sounds exhaustive and exhausting—but it feels unfailingly, painfully human. While Kevin Whelan played frontman at shows and split vocals with Bissell nearly down the middle, it’s the latter who seems to have been at the core of The Meadowlands, for better or worse—a fact made all too clear by Observatory, the album released by the Whelan brothers and MacDonald after the fallout with Bissell. It’s good music, don’t get me wrong. But, as Stereogum aptly put it in 2023: “Observatory wasn’t lacking a certain je ne sais quoi, but something more tangible—Charles Bissell.”
Obviously, The Meadowlands wouldn’t be The Meadowlands without any of them. Kevin’s meaty vocals and melodic instincts shape the emotional register of the record just as much as Bissell’s meticulous layering does. Whelan’s voice, in particular, provides the album’s most visceral gut-punches, the scream at the end of “This Is Not What You Had Planned” being the most blatant example. If Bissell was the band’s internal motor, grinding endlessly in post-production purgatory, Kevin was its external mouth: raw, immediate, impossible to tune out. Greg Whelan’s dynamic riffs and MacDonald’s erratic, off-center drumming round out the sound—a sound that isn’t quite emo, isn’t quite lo-fi indie, and doesn’t belong in any of the early-2000s pigeonholes you might try to place it in. The Meadowlands sits somewhere between battered power-pop and fractured heartland rock, with post-hardcore damage bleeding through the seams.
Still, it’s Bissell’s endless fiddling that makes the record feel inimitable—not because sonic perfection was achieved, but because the futility of that Sisyphean endeavor is embedded in the album’s DNA. When he spits “Every win on this record’s hard-won” on “This Boy Is Exhausted”—a track written as a not-so-subtle middle finger to an Interscope exec—you have no choice but to believe him.
III.
The four-year undertaking that led to The Meadowlands now feels like small change, considering we’re on year 23 of waiting for Bissell’s fourth (albeit first solo) release. At the time though, it felt endless. Although the record came out in 2003, Bissell has said that by July 1999, the bulk of it had already been recorded in the band’s home studio. What followed was, in his words, a “long winter’s nap of the ‘maybe I’ll try rewriting/overdubbing this one’ phase that would continue, more or less daily, for the subsequent 3 1/2 years.” His mindset at the time: “I had lost perspective and didn’t know what was good anymore and couldn’t write lyrics… There seemed to be no end in sight because every song sucked, every idea was bad.”
It’s hard to imagine what kind of changes would take four years to complete—but Bissell’s blog posts from 2023 give readers some idea. He details having spent over seven straight days working nonstop on just thirty seconds of the aptly titled “13 Months In 6 Minutes”—specifically, the connective tissue (or mini-song, as he views it) between the two guitars at 5:39 and the micro-chorus at 6:11. No wonder those six minutes took 13 months, and even gave Bissell focal dystonia in the process. Perhaps Okkervil River’s Will Sheff said it best: “I think the way that [The Wrens] work is insane. I think it’s the most circuitous, tortuous way… Everything that they do sounds, to me, like torture.”
However, Bissell wasn’t after the kind of “perfection” studio execs chase. Cleanliness, polish, sheen—none of it mattered. It just had to feel right, like it belonged. Unsurprisingly, “perfect” takes were few and far between, yet the ones that stuck were never “neat.” MacDonald’s drum tracks from 1999, for instance, weren’t pinnacles of technical mastery, but their urgency was undeniable. So undeniable, in fact, that Bissell and the Whelans left them virtually untouched for the next four years. (Partly out of necessity—MacDonald, living separately and working full-time, was rarely around to re-record—but mostly because nothing else hit quite the same.) Rather than adjust the drum tracks, the rest of the band painstakingly reshaped every other sonic element to fit them.
Most notable, though, is the closing track “This Is Not What You Had Planned,” as the creation of it was essentially an antithesis to every other song on the album: Kevin Whelan stumbling home drunk from the bar, plopping down on the piano bench, and hitting record as he slurred lyrics made up on the spot, no aim in mind beyond a momentary exorcism of inebriated agony. It was done in a single take, the same one you hear on the record. Nothing about it was ever altered, down to the sound of Whelan dragging the mic over to the piano at the start, the quiet clink of glass in the background as Whelan downs, presumably, another pint. It was messy and awkward, littered with accidental notes and pregnant pauses while Whelan thought up what to do next. It was perfect.
But so too were the results of Bissell’s arduous craftsmanship. Despite spending more time and effort on post-production than virtually any other album in existence, The Meadowlands somehow only feels rawer for it, with Bissell’s years on the ADATs building not so much polish as patina. Every guitar line sounds labored over, reworked until its original emotional intent nearly bends under the weight of second-guessing—but never does. Rather than collapsing under the strain, each riff and line and beat simply doubles its initial heft. If anything, the record’s jagged beauty rests on that paradox: obsessive tinkering that makes everything sound looser, closer to breaking, but with less actual risk of falling apart.
This meticulousness doesn’t come fully into play until the album’s third track, “She Sends Kisses.” The first two—the gorgeous, heartrending “The House That Guilt Built” is all crickets and acoustic strums, and the addictive “Happy” is one of the few songs constructed full-band rather than overdubbed into infinity—feel deceptively straightforward. But by “Kisses,” Bissell’s post-production madness is in full force. My listening notes for the track included, verbatim: “accordion??? that can’t be an accordion? but also it could be?? what instrument is that?” (Later amended to: “okay, is that an accordion or synth?? what is that in the background i cannot tell because i suck but i’m fascinated by it”).
Lo and behold, it both was and was not accordion. More specifically, it was Bissell cabling a guitar synth through a pitch-to-volt MIDI converter to make it sound like one. Reader, I must inform you that he apparently had a literal accordion in the next room. So… why bother? Well, as he said in 2013, “When you get perfect representation of an instrument, it often loses its effectiveness because it almost becomes invisible to the listener.” The logic might sound insane—or, at least, it would, if The Meadowlands hadn’t proven its truth ten times over.
And that accordion-not-accordion moment is just one of hundreds. The Meadowlands is riddled with sonic sleight-of-hand like that: the “lead” vocals on “Per Second Second” were originally backups, with the initial leads buried, distorted, and repurposed as textural bedrock. The radio-static sermon at the end of “Ex-Girl Collection” wasn’t a sample, but a live broadcast of some preacher Bissell’s “guitar/amp/mic combo” happened to pick up on a Sunday night. He recorded it and laboriously worked it into the final mix. The band used three synced ADAT machines—24 tracks total—all manually aligned to create the illusion of a unified recording. Synths mimic guitars and mimic organs. Guitars are reprocessed until they barely resemble themselves. Backing vocals are tucked so deep into the mix they register more as texture than harmony. Bissell didn’t just double tracks; he’d reroute entire rigs to nudge a single frequency spike, or reprocess a line five times until it stopped sounding like a guitar at all.
Not every sound is hard to identify, but almost none of them sit still long enough to be pinned down. Even the harmonies—gorgeous and scattered across most tracks—never quite resolve the way you expect. They trail off, duck under the melody, arrive just behind the beat or vanish mid-phrase. The rhythms behave similarly: slightly behind, slightly ahead, never quite in sync with what you think the song’s doing. Instruments categorically refuse to enter on the expected downbeat. MacDonald’s drumming has this oddly unquantifiable looseness—nothing hits quite square, and if it does, it’s swallowed by some competing off-kilter accent or fill. The songs drift around their own centers of gravity.
Even structural expectations get warped. Choruses, when they exist, arrive in fragments—and when they do, they often refuse to resolve melodically: either the lyrics never fully repeat, or they’re instrumental (“Hopeless,” “She Sends Kisses”), or they don’t show up at all, with the song functioning as one massive verse (“Happy”). Everything on this record feels pulled apart and rethreaded—parts stitched together out of misfit cloth. Even the simplest moments pass through the mix like memory: something familiar you can’t quite place, but can’t ever forget either.
In hindsight, that’s probably why my most frequent note during my Meadowlands listening party was some variation of: “oh god the background instrumentation and production is changing so much so quickly but also so subtly that i can’t describe it or jot it down fast enough.” I started making up words just to keep pace: “upgrounded,” “twing-y,” “farbling,” “flangy,” “whalesque,” “twinklimonica.” Does admitting that make me feel like a failure as a music journalist? Honestly, yeah, a little bit. But that’s what an album should do. If a sound can be translated into words perfectly, one-to-one, then what’s the point of the sound in the first place? That’s why we make music—to pick up the baton at that precise moment language fails.
IV.
It must be said, though, that the language in The Meadowlands doesn’t fail either; to be expected, considering Kevin Whelan’s virtuosic immediacy and Bissell’s long-standing love of poetry. The lyrics are specific without closing themselves off, obscure without being impenetrable, self-deprecating without becoming abrasive. They’re devastating more often than not: “Moving on is not fair when it leaves me on my own,” Greg Whelan croons on “Thirteen Grand.” “I lived my life waiting for tomorrow.” His brother starts the next song with the self-flagellating meta-commentary: “Boys you won’t remember from the minute / You walked into the room.” Bissell picks up this thread on “13 Minutes,” singing, “I’m a footnote at best / I envy who comes next.”
Motifs unspool across the album—evocative, elusive, never fully fixed. “Faster gun” appears frequently, not just in the song of the same name but in lines like “I fired replies back gun by gun” on “She Sends Kisses” and the barely audible (yet still crushing) closing verse of “13 Minutes”: “Maybe that’s enough / There may be faster guns / Maybe I give up / Maybe money isn’t coming / Maybe last ditches are done.” I still couldn’t tell you exactly what “faster gun” means in any definitive sense—but I can tell you that when Bissell growls “Snow scenes level lonely bastards / Eight feet of earth / The whole thing suddenly worth / A faster gun,” a desperate antsiness bubbles up in my gut at precisely the tempo of the track.
References to “splitting rocks” recur with increasing intensity as well: first on “This Boy Is Exhausted,” then on “Faster Gun” (“A black jetty rock / Rock splitter’s shot / Saddle Creek stars / I miss them a lot”), and finally in the refrain of “Per Second Second”: “Shot rock-splitter to god: carry me home.” It feels purposeful that that line is the only one a listener could possibly make out in “Per Second”—everything else is buried in distortion and grind. The mix refuses clarity, but that refrain cuts through again and again. Taken together, something like a narrative emerges. “This Boy Is Exhausted” laments the endless work of “splitting rocks…with no pay,” before launching into a chorus about the physical and spiritual toll of trying to meet the music industry’s demands. The mention of the label Saddle Creek just after “rock splitter’s shot” on “Faster Gun” compounds the sense that this metaphor is literal, and the work of making music is a form of labor: hard, thankless, physically destructive. “Per Second Second” closes the loop. The rock-splitters are shot—literally, metaphorically, spiritually—and God has come to carry them home.
But for all the talk of collapse on the record—and there’s a lot—there’s also persistence. Even “Boys, You Won’t” ends in a chorus of exhausted determination: “I’m feeling down, but I stood up / Dead, off of the ground, but I stood up / Lost without a sound, but I stood up / And face another round, but I stood up.” It’s not framed as a triumphant endeavor, but an idiotic one: they’re standing up only to be knocked down again. It’s the definition of insanity. But they stand up anyway. That’s the tone here: self-deprecation, not self-assurance. On “Everyone Chooses Sides,” Bissell sings, “We’re losing sand! / A Wrens’ ditch battle plan / Record after record, Black and Decker-ed, tack, tack! / Definition: hell and high water.” They’re out of time, out of resources, and—to quote Bissell’s own explanation of that third line—they “might as well have made the first couple records and then sawed them in half.” So why keep going when everything is so fucking miserable?
Because once in a while, they’ll play a show that, Bissell admits, “makes it worthwhile.” So “Jerry squares off the set,” “Greg plugs in,” and “Kevin jumps in,” and there they go again. Exhausted, on the verge of quitting, with no good reason to keep trying, they do it anyway—that’s The Meadowlands and the Wrens themselves, through and through.
V.
None of this is to imply that one must drive themselves to insanity or exhaustion for their art to resonate. The Wrens didn’t need to suffer for The Meadowlands to matter, because no one does. Speaking as someone who relates a little too deeply to Bissell’s all-consuming pursuit (especially as detailed in a vulnerable 2023 blog post that may or may not have made me tear up), I don’t recommend that mindset to anyone. But—speaking again as someone who has spent much of their life pushing that same boulder up that same godforsaken hill—I know it’s a part of the human condition, and a particularly ineffable one at that. And like all art that gives voice to the ineffable, The Meadowlands carries a singular weight. Today more so than ever.
Growing up has always been hard. But the gap between expectation and reality has never felt wider. Since 2016, the claim that millennials will be the first generation to earn less than their parents has become public consensus. The majority of Gen Z have already resigned themselves to the belief that age-old American hallmarks of stability—a family, a house, a retirement fund—are relics of a past that no longer exist. Those goalposts now feel built for a world we can’t recognize anymore, and the more we chase them, the further they seem to recede. So we run faster, work harder, burn out younger, but end up feeling like we’re standing still even as the Earth keeps turning anyways.
To put it another way: We’re nowhere near what we dreamed we’d be. This is not what we had planned. Maybe money isn’t coming, maybe last ditches are done, maybe we should just give up. We know all of this. But when we’re struck down, face-planted in dirt, we get back up anyway—if only to be knocked down again.
That’s what makes The Meadowlands feel so vital now, in a world where work outpaces meaning, where failure is increasingly structural but still feels personal, and where hope has to be practiced more like ritual than conviction. It’s not inspiration or encouragement that the album offers. It’s something rarer: the promise that you won’t be alone if you keep trying. Sometimes you don’t want a hand to pull you to your feet. You want someone to sit beside you in the mud until you feel ready to rise. I know, at 17, that’s what I needed. Not help, just company. And it was only in The Meadowlands that I found it.
Casey Epstein-Gross is an Assistant Music Editor at Paste. Her work can be read in Observer, Jezebel, and elsewhere. She is based in New York and can typically be found subjecting innocent bystanders to rambling, long-winded monologues about television and film, music, politics, and any number of opinions on bizarrely irrelevant topics. Follow her on X (@epsteingross) or email her at [email protected].
